Monday, February 06, 2006

Top 10 Lamest Members of the Legion of Super-Heroes

This ranking goes from most powerful to most useless. Some of these characters were never actually in the Legion of Super-Heroes, but were rejected and formed the humiliating Legion of Substitute Heroes because of their unquenchable passion to be super-heroes.

10. Bouncing Boy. He had the power to bounce. He is the most powerful character on this list, which should give you an idea of what is to come. I once made the mistake of joking about Bouncing Boy on a Legion message board. I learned that there are people in this world who worship Bouncing Boy. You do not joke about BB around them. I ask you readers, who would you rather have at your back, Wolverine or the guy who can make himself look like a beach ball?

9. Dawnstar. She could track life forms across light years, making her something of a galactic bloodhound.

8. Spider Girl. She had prehensile hair. Her hair could grab things. And the name makes sense because, you know, all spiders have hair that grabs things.

7. Insect Queen. Lana Lang, Superboy’s girlfriend, got a ring that gave her an insect power that lasted 24 hours. I don’t really know what that means, but it sounds lame.

6. Color Kid. He could change the color of anything. So if he was fighting the Hulk (in some crossover with Marvel), he could change the Hulk from green to red. This would anger the Hulk and he would crush stupid Color Kid. Frankly, I think he should have been in the Legion of Interior Decorators.

5. Chlorophyll Kid. He could accelerate the growth of plants. When you needed lettuce fast, he was the guy.

4. Duo Damsel. She was a girl who could make herself into two girls. Not many super-villains would find this intimidating, but can you imagine what she was like in bed?

3. Matter-Eater Lad. He could eat anything. He was not used much because writers couldn’t think of ways for him to help defeat villains. Matter-Eater Lad stands to this day as the archetype of Silver Age DC silliness.

2. Calamity King. He brought bad luck wherever he went, which is a highly problematic super-power. Who would want to be around him? His entire career he would be told, “Go stand by the bad guy.”

1. Rond Vidar. He had the power of immunity to super-hypnotism. When all the other Legionnaires fell to the power of a super-hypnotist such as his father, he would remain unhypnotized. This made him useful to writers, I would guess, in his origin issue. After he defeated his evil father, what did he do?


Michael said...

10. Wait til you see the Justice League Unlimited episode featuring the Legion on March 18th. Bouncing Boy takes out three of the Fatal Five by bouncing into them.

9. She was hot, though. A Native American descendant who was an expert tracker. Nope, not stereotyped.

8. This was during their lame years. She was a villain most of the time. Hey, they let Medusa into the Fantastic Four with the same powers!

7. It was the Silver Age. People were turning into all sorts of weird shit with magic rings and potions.

6. He could change Green Kryptonite into Blue Kryptonite, which didn't harm Superboy and Supergirl. See here and here.

5. He also had these magic beans that he could use to create giant beanstalks...

4. She used to be triplets. All the people on her planet were. And who did she marry? Your number 10, Bouncing Boy.

3. But what if they were in a cage made of magnozite, the most poisonous substance in the galaxy? M-E Lad could eat a doorway through. Just don't kiss him later.

2. He was initially rejected. I think it was his joining in the late 80's under Giffen and the Bierbaums (even in flashback) that caused the reboot.

1. Rond Vidar became a Green Lantern.

Jennifer Snow said...

I love the comics. They entertain me and I don't even read them.