Jimmy Carter Negotiates Peace In Van Halen

Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth of the rock supergroup Van Halen announced that they would finally tour together after Jimmy Carter negotiated peace between them. It took five grueling 10-hour days of negotiations, but finally a 74-page agreement was hammered out between the two parties who have long hated one another.

“Van Halen is too important to the world for this conflict to have continued without resolution,” President Carter said. “It was not an easy negotiation as the two parties have a long history of mutual loathing. I’m proud of this peace agreement. It is the second best thing I have done. Only the Camp David Accord is greater than this."

Carter said the negotiations got off to a bad start that almost scuttled the talks when Mr. Roth discovered brown M&M’s in a candy bowl on the table. The volatile singer was so upset at the brown M&M’s that he began trashing the furniture and even heaved a chair through a plate glass window. President Carter had to work patiently for several hours to calm down Mr. Roth.

Guitarist Eddie Van Halen said in a press release, “When Jimmy Carter asks you to the negotiating table, it’s hard to say no. The man is a warrior for peace. I guess I’ll have to tour with Dave even though he is a d**khead.”

Singer David Lee Roth said, “Rock’n’Roll, baby! We gonna get some leg tonight! No more Van Hagar, dude! Awoooooo!”

When asked if he enjoyed Van Halen’s music, the former president said, “Personally, I prefer Winger.”

[Note: This post is satire.]